Hello, your eyes are not deceiving you I promise. It really is me. I am back with a life update for you. Where have I been? I have taken some time out and been basically reconnecting with me.
This post is a catch up on my life since my last post on 8th March and it is a real mix. All opinions and experiences in this post are related to me and me alone. They are my own personal opinions.
Settle in and let’s catch up
Grab a drink and make yourself comfy, because I am going to fill you in on where I have been and warning this post is LONG.
My blog has always been on my mind even If I haven’t been present on it. I haven’t been in the right place to sit down and write the correct words so I decided that I needed a break from writing. I needed to take the pressure off of myself for a while. This is something that I have enforced throughout my life as well, not just on my blog.
I am not ashamed to admit that I have been lost and it is only now that I can really try to make sense of things and can really start to talk about it.
This may take more than one post because I suddenly feel like I have so much to say, but let’s just see how this post goes.
The trigger for this break on the blog is just that I have been completely and utterly blocked. This is not a new thing. People get bloggers block all the time. This was different. It felt huge to me because I was blocked in life as well, so It wasn’t all about the writing, I had also stopped living.
It was the acknowledgment that I have been having really bad anxiety, borderline panic attacks and realising that I hadn’t been leaving the house alone that made me stop and want to make the change. Surprised? That’s the trouble with social media, isn’t it? People see what they want to see and do they really see the meaning behind that little message of words that accompanies that pretty picture. Maybe they do, but don’t want to ask or reach out.
My anxiety will be talked about in more detail in a future post because it is relevant and I do acknowledge it and believe me I am not brushing over it because that would be wrong. Just know that I am receiving help for it, although I didn’t realise it at the time.
At the beginning of this year, I spoke to my GP, and I was referred for CBT. The first step was an hour phone interview with a counsellor and yes I poured out my heart in that hour on the phone. At the end of the conversation, I was told that she didn’t think she could help me. My heart sank. It was almost laughable. Apparently, I have far too many issues going on in my life that this lady felt like she couldn’t help me.
What I will say from that conversation with that counsellor is that maybe they should come away from text-book questions. Seriously. Just listen. After an hour of hearing me cry and talk about my health issues and how frustrated I was at having to change career, how my health was stopping me living my perfect life, why would you then ask me if I wanted to die? Not all people with anxiety want to die. Look I know they have to ask the question because there are some people who are at that point where they really need help. What really astounded me was her shock when I quite categorically answered NO. She was genuinely shocked and repeatedly asked me the same question.
Let’s get this straight right here right now. I do not want to die, I do not and have NEVER had thoughts of killing myself.
I may have been bullied, I may have lost all my confidence, I struggle with anxiety, I have had blood disorders, faced life-threatening surgery a few times, I watched my Dad die from Cancer when I was 24, I have Lupus, I have Sjorgens and I am in pain daily BUT I want to live. That is why I wanted help. To find a way through the jumbled mess so that I could find a way to get back to living a fun and fulfilling life. I have the BEST husband in the world and 3 beautiful strong healthy sons who I love to the moon and back. I just wanted some help to lift that black cloud.
After a couple of weeks of feeling like I was a hopeless case, I was contacted back by the counsellor. She had spoken to her supervisor and they were referring me for counselling which was great news, however, there is a 6 – 9-month wait for an appointment. Again I kind of rolled my eyes and just accepted that this is how it would be. Let’s be honest, my anxiety goes back to when I stood in nursery school and experience bullying for the first time. My road is a long one that really did start back that early. (I am 42 so there is a lot of stuff inside). At the time of writing this post, I still haven’t heard anything from anyone about a potential date for an appointment.
This is also going to have its own post in the future but I will give you a glimpse into whats been happening. I don’t mind admitting that Annette (who is now nicknamed my Fairy Godmother) contacted me after reading my blog to suggest Reiki and healing. She contacted me. She reached out to me. That is why she is my Fairy Godmother. My first Reiki treatment was on Thursday 15th March and I don’t mind admitting that when I knocked on the door for this appointment I was broken. I didn’t know what to expect, at most a relaxing hour. What I got from that 1-hour session was so much more and I feel quite emotional even as I type.
After 4 treatments of Reiki, I am going to go as far as to say this has potentially been a life changer for me and has actually got me to the point of actually being able to write this post today. I feel like I have woken up from a fog. This may sound dramatic but even Mr. B and my boys will say that I am a different person.
Believe me, I have such a long way to go and each treatment is bringing up new things for me to deal with; Emotions and feelings that I have previously buried and refused to deal with, hiding them away. I am in this for the long haul.
With the help of Reiki, Crystals and support of my FG (Fairy Godmother) and of course my husband (Mr. B) and my boys I am making progress, which I hope you will see from my writing.
I thought this was the easiest heading for this part of my blog post. I will be going into major detail in further posts about lots of this stuff, but for now, let’s just look at some of the stuff I have been doing.
- Self Tape Casting with Archie
- Hospital appointments – Rheumatology and Haematology clinic
- Started Reiki (Time to find Susan again)
- An event at Hatfield House to see Mother Pukka
- New Washing Machine (very exciting)
- Dentist appointments
- Hospital Appointments – Eye Clinic and Haematology clinic
- Applied for my new Chaperones License
- We got sent a new kettle from Kitchen Aid (Ours was recalled)
- William’s Baptism
- Watched Josh’s football team win the cup.
- Event – Mothers Meeting in London
- Event – Attended the Mumboss Book Launch and party (Big thing for me to go to solo)
- Hair coloured and cut
- 19th Wedding Anniversary – Day out with Mr. B in London
- Event – Attended an Arm knitting workshop at Southwood Stores (Went alone)
- Castings – Archie had 2 huge castings in London
- 50th Birthday party for a friend
- Meal out with Mr. B and his bosses
- George moved out into his own house (This is HUGE)
I have also watched every episode of Poldark and I am eagerly awaiting Series 4.
One of the decisions I have made since I last posted on here, was that I was going to stop working for Pen Works Media as an agent. This was such a hard decision to make and not one that I have taken lightly because I am a people pleaser and I do not like letting people down.
My reasons, in short, are that I have to focus on my health for a while and I can’t juggle every plate, so, for now, I have to put some down.
The Pen Works Media agency is going to continue to grow successfully and I will enjoy watching and supporting from the side-lines. There are no hard feelings from either side. I have left with love and good vibes. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to work with PWM for 6 months, because what it has confirmed is that it is the Film and TV industry that I want to work in, in the future. In what field or capacity I don’t know yet, but work in it I will.
Obviously, I am taking it one day at a time, but for today I am able to write, so that is good. I will continue to be transparent and honest in my posts. I will no longer restrict myself to talking about only one subject because me as a person is made of so many layers that to talk about only one of those layers will result in the suffocation of the other layers. Basically, I am going to write about what I want, when I want, which is how I always wanted this blog to be when I started it many years ago. I can’t promise to write every day or even every week, but this blog journey will continue.
I am committing to finding out who Susan (me) is. Please stick with me for this. It sounds completely crazy but I am determined to focus on fun and living and embracing what this universe keeps throwing at me (The good, the bad and the ugly). I have so much I want to do, and I can’t wait to get started.
We are not talking major stuff. Just living stuff.
Watch this space
Bucket List for Living
This is my challenge to myself. I want to do stuff and challenge myself, Live and have fun along the way. If anyone has any ideas for me get in touch.
Having lived in our home for 11 years, we are finally at a point where we are starting to do stuff. Lots of planning, lots of mood boards, lots of Pinterest. I love interiors and I am SO EXCITED about this.
This needs a seperate section from the home. I have already started an allotment in the garden which I will be sharing soon. What Mr. B and I have decided is that we have to create a livable shaded area in the garden for me (I have Lupus and am very Sun Sensitive).
I forgot how much I love photography. So I will be getting out the camera and really documenting life again.
I love books. Everything about them. The smell, the feel. I am talking about traditional books, not digital. Reconnecting with some of my old favourites along with reading new books is definitely something that I will be doing.
This is one thing that I totally had forgotten how much I love. I am spiritual and always have been. Having Reiki has just reminded me how much. So I will be reconnecting with my Angel Cards, burning incense and sage, clearing the energy in my home and Clutter Clearing.
This is going to be so much fun. I am going to travel and have adventures, there I have said it. Nothing is booked, but I want to have adventures and I don’t know where or when, but they will happen.
Stay in touch
I love to connect with my readers. Please take the time to get in touch with me. Feel free to leave a comment on the bottom of this blog post.
A huge thank you for reaching the end of this insanely long blog post, I really appreciate you sticking with me. Everything in this post needed to be said and I now feel ready to move forward in my adventures.
Loads of Love and light